Some days I wonder, what the hell am I doing? I had a fairly bad day in skating yesterday. The problem is, I don’t know quite why. The rational part of my brain is saying “Well, you did pretty well, under the circumstances. You haven’t skated for a while and you did some good edgework, did a couple of okay spins, landed some Axels, and did three decent salchows, one more than last time. It might not have been a great day, but it was definitely good enough.” However the creative part of my brain was screaming the whole time. “What are you doing? You are killing me here! You aren’t skating, you are just doing random stuff in no order, with no purpose and with no passion! You are killing me here! OMG, people are looking. What are they going to think?”
I have realized that I don’t skate well on my own. I never liked this whole private lesson thing and then skating on Freestyle sessions and then on public. I need group lessons. I need people to work together with, the friendships, the silent support group. I was always very independent on our group sessions back in Sweden, I knew what to do and how to do it, but it was different. I just can’t explain why. When I left, my skating started to go downhill. I was suddenly all alone, without a coach, without skating buddies, in a totally new rink which was half the size of my old one.
I think the last straw came in October. This is when we held a competition at my “new” rink and I skated a program as exhibition. One of my kids’s parent filmed it. It was a hard blow. Was that me? That slow person with terrible spins and jumps that barely left the ice? Oh my god. How embarrassing. What the hell had I been doing these last 15 years? After that, I pretty much stopped skating. I did it once in a while, for fun, but I put all my focus on coaching, bringing the legacy forward, helping little girls building their dreams.
After we left skating in February, my pain from an earlier accident came back. It was months until I could get back on the ice and I missed it enormously. Skating is in my blood, it’s my soul. I was dying to get back.
I’ve skated now maybe 5 times, and I am starting to see clearly again, I’m over the honeymoon period. I have a love-hate relationship to skating. It’s like being in a bad long term relationship. You aren’t doing well, you don’t love each other any more, but you are so used to the other person, that you can’t let go. You know each others kinks and pleasures, you have settled in and you feel that they are a big part of who you are. To break up would be to redefine reality, who you are as a person. And you don’t want that. It’s scary, unpredictable and require a lot of courage. Which you don’t have. You would be loosing your sense of purpose and start over. Completely over.
I have been in this relationship for 15 years now, and I don’t know who I am without skating. I really don’t. Skating has been my EVERYTHING for all this time, day and night, my number one concern. It’s hard to let go, but I know I really should. But I am terrified, absolutely bloody terrified. What am I going to do? A new hobby? But I can’t do anything but skating. It’s who I am…. See the dilemma?
As a reality-check: I know I’m not going to go to Adult Nationals. If I get into college in the spring, there’s no way I’m going to have time to train for Nationals. And I am getting in, or going insane with boredom. I have the possibility to skate once a week. Who has name it to Nationals by skating once a week? No, didn’t think so.
I’m sorry about the whole ranting, but my husband announced last night that he thinks I should go to a Freestyle session next week. My pulse jumped and I started shaking out of fear. No bloody way. I am way too self conscious to do that. Hell no. Actually, I might not go with him next week. Or I’ll leave my skates at home. Because I don’t feel like skating right now, and no kind of new music is going to change that. Maybe I just need a break.