05.30.08
Aggravation and stupidity
I could seriously kill my little girl’s mother. Our 9 year old and I were in the kitchen, just talking, and she asked me if I believed in God. I told her that, no not really (I don’t believe that a good God would let little innocent children die of starvation and such, I’m sorry, but I can’t). She got quiet for a while and then burst into tears, inconsolable. I finally got out of her that her mother had told her that people who doesn’t believe in God will go to hell. D didn’t want me and her daddy to go to hell, that was why she was crying. I eventually calmed her down with some utter bull**** about salvation and such. I MEAN COME ON!!!!! What kind of thing is that to say to a little girl? I don’t like the brainwash, I really don’t! I can’t believe what this woman is feeding her! ARHG!
Today I saw a little girl with a Louis Vuitton bag. By little girl I mean 4 year old. She had her toys in it. And by looking at the mother, it was certainly not a knock-off. The kid even had perfectly manicured nails, hands and feet. I know some people do it here, I coached a couple of sisters, age 3 and 5 who went and got theirs done with their mother. I just looked up the bag at louisvuitton.com and it was $410. Yeah, $410. Some people have way too much money.
Yesterday I some how gave into my husband. We were at Target and arguing about the table for the back yard. I wanted a normal table, oblong or square with a whole in the middle so that the umbrella he’s been nagging about can fit. Not a huge table, but one that can easily sit 4, and 6 with a bit of work when we have guests. This was the whole purpose of getting patio furniture in the first place, having people over and grilling out. Me, hubby and D, that’s 3. Remember that number. Now, he didn’t agree with my choice of table. Not at all. First, it wouldn’t fit into the car (yes it would, the legs come off, and it it would easily fit in both trunk and back seat, take your pick), second, he didn’t like it. What he wanted was two smaller table out of metal. No hole and very easy to fold up. Too easy to fold up, if you ask me. He tried convincing me of all the perks, and really, there were no one good enough for me. To me, eating out and grilling is about doing something together, enjoying each others company. These two tables sit far apart (since he wanted the umbrella in the middle anyway) and barely sits 4. BARELY. Where you’d fit pots and sause and dishes are beond me. You will fit four plates, glasses and cutlery, and that’s it. We argued and argued, it was getting late and finally I gave up. Have the bloody tables if you want, I hate them. Truly and wholeheartedly hate them. They are impractical as hell and the whole idea is stupid. We were supposed to be able to entertain people and what are you going to do with everyone? Stick them in the kitchen? Have them hold their plate with one hand and eat with the other? No. I’ll give him to the end of June, then I’m sure he’ll have come around. If not, I’ll nag him to death and refuse to cook or do laundry. He’ll come around, sooner or later. Or I can make those spicy fajitas again, they had him begging for mercy the last time…
05.27.08
Caffeine…
I have never been a coffee drinker. Nor do I like tea. This means that my experience with caffeine is not that extensive. The only contact I have had with it has been through sodas like Coke or Pepsi. That’s it. Sunday I had two Diet Pepsi Max, one in the morning just after I woke up, to try to perk me up from taking way too much medication, one later on to perk me up, I was feeling a little down (notice how I am minimizing it… ). Do you realise how much caffeine and ginseng that is? I certainly didn’t. It’s a lot, and apparently I don’t have a tolerance for it. I go mental, super-emotional.
How did I realize this? Well, today I felt like some soda, and DPM was the only thing we have at home (they got rid off the soda machine out by the pool, which was just as well, it was always empty anyway), so I popped one open and had it with some Belgian Chocolates (We went to Walmart, and they carry Guylian… divine…). After only a short time I started feeling funny, irritable, snappy, my head was woozy. I started crying over an episode of the West Wing, I was nuts. And since it definitely wasn’t the chocolate, I started suspecting the DPM. Since I felt a lot similar and a lot worse Sunday, and the only thing they had in common was the DPM. I made hubby promise to keep me off the stuff. I can feel my fingers going hyper and by brain shutting off, and I only had half a can. Imagine me Sunday with two cans on empty stomach. Yeah…
We are now 50 people in my writing class. 50! I feel sorry for the teacher. A lot of these people can’t structure a paragraph, they write their entire story in one block of text, never even once press the ENTER button. It’s pathetic, really, it is! Haven’t these people gone to school? Reading their bios, I know they have! It’s not like these people are stupid teenagers, in fact there are only two people under the age of 20 in the entire class, most of them are 55+. Ridiculous…
I posted my first assignment yesterday, a short story. We got to pick between five different opening sentences and had to write a story on them, that included a twist at the end, we were only allowed to write for five minutes. It felt eerily like Junior High when my Swedish teacher Boan did the same thing, only she was more cranky with grammar and structure. I got a comment back on the story. You know what she said? First something about relating to the story, good job, etc, etc… And then “Have you considered continuing this as both the characters “come of age” and begin to understand that all relationships are imperfect?” Are you serious? It was a first warm-up assignment, five minute brainstorming kind of thing that I really didn’t care about and you are giving me a therapist kind of answer? You have got to be kidding me…
05.25.08
Emotional Trainwreck
I’m pretty bad right now. Pretty bad. I’m just so tired of everything, tired of being injured, tired of not being able to skate, tired of stupid Americans and tired of all the disgusting food. Food especially. I hate what I cook and I’m so sick of it that I could throw up. All this medication I’m on makes me lose my appetite, so whenever I cook, I can’t really eat, and I feel like why bother cooking, then? I think I’m just mentally exhausted and lost it completely just now downstairs and started bawling. For no good reason really, and I’m still kind of crying. My husband doesn’t get it, and thinks it’s all due to the meds I’m taking, and he might be right. I’m not eating properly, and for someone who really loves food, which I do, it’s pretty bad. I’ve always been good at eating, but I don’t WANT TO eat. This, in turn, causes lack of energy, which makes me even gloomier.
I do feel rather pathetic. I think I might be having a bit of a missing-Sweden episode too. The food especially. I mean, even if I make the pork just the way my mother does it in Sweden, it still comes out wrong. Hers is delicious, mine disgusting. I like cooking, but it just comes out wrong, I can’t even make a nice pasta with ground beef, which comes out bland and terrible! I mean, in Sweden, everything could be solved with just popping in a handful of Mamma Scan into the frying pan and boiling some macaronis and it always came out tasting great. There is no Mamma Scan in the United States. (God, I’m still crying. Although, I did snuggle the cat for a while, so some of the eye-irritation is sure to come from that…).
I have to give it to my mum. She always knew what to cook, and 99 times out of 100, it came out tasting great. I feel terrible right now, and yes, I am just rambling on, like I always do when upset. I am so happy that my sister is coming in a week, because I can’t leave the country, not until all the paperwork has been finalized. She will cook nicely, and it will taste just like mum’s, if not better. Cathy is a great cook. Until she comes, I’ll have to blackmail my hubby into taking me out to eat for the next week.
He, btw, think I am pms-ing and over-reacting. He always does. He’s not that great when it comes to emotional women. He says “Get of the meds, deal with the pain, and SNAP out of it!”. Men.
If anyone tries calling me later, I will ignore you, no offence. I just don’t feel like talking right now. I’ll make hubby say I’m out with my girlfriends, which I’m not. I just don’t feel like breaking down and bawling over the phone. I’ll be fine tomorrow. (No, I won’t. Since I will get off the meds just like hubby keeps telling me, I will not be able to sleep tonight, which means I’ll be a mental wreck tomorrow too. But I’ll be fine Wednesday. Hopefully.
Sorry about the emotional rambling. I just needed to ventilate. I’ll get back to watching episodes of the West Wing now, just to not scare my poor husband further.
05.22.08
Poetry and friends
Today I spent the day with Catie and Sarah. Sarah came back after only spending a week and a half at her parents house, when she was supposed to stay there until the 18th of July. She couldn’t stand it anymore, and her parents had her live in the office space removed from the house, when they do have a guest bedroom. She lives in a closet, more or less. I am not fond of her parents. ANYWAYS…… She had to talk, and we talked. Then we went out to lunch with Catie to McAllisters. Her fiance came home yesterday from Afghanistan, and she’s thrilled.
We went to the gym this morning, me and Hubby. I was going to go for an hour, but I ended up only being able to do 20 minutes, then it hurt too much. I went home and popped some Motrin and anti-inflammatory (just realised I was supposed to take another one at lunch, which I didn’t, so I had to run downstairs and get one). I really didn’t want to keep taking them, but I guess I have to. I have an appointment with a physical therapist on Monday the 2nd, and on the same day I have an appointment with Chad, my hairdresser (he is fabulous, sort of in the Tim Gunn from Project Runway-kind of way). I’ll try to convince him of letting me display Cathy’s cool jewelry there (www.learningtofly.etsy.combtw, more advertising). I don’t think he’ll be a hard sell.
I am taking this online class that started yesterday at like noon, where the age of most of the participants is about 50+. There is this woman there, Jean, who has already posted like 30 times. And nothing substantial, either, just smalltalk. It’s ridiculous! 30 posts! And most of them were done at like 2 in the morning! She is insane! And she talked about this thing sort of something like “Well, I helped this friend, and cleaned up and advised him on his stories, and then he got published”. Phurleeeeeezzze…… Give me a break woman! I’m going to stay away from her.
I decided to stick to poetry on this course. It’s sort of an introductory course and my very first real writing one, so I’m going to lie low and mostly observe, read and gather information. I went back and read some of the poetry I’ve written, and it’s not bad at all! I mean, I’m no Wordsworth, but it’s pretty good, seriously. I have also gone back and read my stories, which, most of them, suck badly. So, I am sticking to poetry.
05.18.08
Kids….
Yesterday my husband spent most of the day at an Aikido seminar with THE master. He enjoyed it a lot I think. It meant that I spent the day with our little girl. We baked cupcakes and I cleaned and did laundry. And she… well, she was bored. Aside from baking cupcakes, she also did Tae Kwon Doe in the morning, but that wasn’t enough. She was BORED and didn’t stop at anything to let me know it. She can be rather manipulative, that child. I mean, I’m sure most 9-year olds are, but she’s really got it down. Thankfully, I don’t fall for it too often. Becky prevented that. When she was younger, she played every single trick in the book on our parents, and standing on the sidelines, you pick up stuff.
She’s really cute, and very clever, and way too curious for her own good. Yesterday, we once again touched on the subject of babies. She started the whole thing back in September with asking if I like babies. It took a while, but eventually she managed to ask when we would have a baby. She likes babies and would like to have a little something to boss around. After that time, she took it up once in a while, asking if I like boy or girl-babies the most, and other questions like that. But I hadn’t heard about it since before Christmas. But yesterday we touched the subject again. Veiled in many beat-around-the-bush questions, I managed to get out that she’s getting inpatient. She wants a little brother or sister and she wants it now. And I told her, like I’ve told her many times before, that it’s going to be a long time. “Like how long? Like Christmas?” Bess her heart… No longer than that. “Like daddy’s birthday?” No sweetie, a lot longer than that. Maybe like when you’re 13. “Oh.” A long silence. “But that’s like for-evah!” Isn’t she a doll?
Last night we went to go drop her home. I had been cleaning all day, I was dressed in my old jeans, a workout shirt, no makeup, I was rather sweaty and icky, so when we went I just slipped my hair in a ponytail and put on a pair of slip-in sandals. I was going to shower when we came home. On our way back, my dear husband says that he wants to go out and eat with the Aikido-gang. Now. They were going to meet up at 7:30 and we came into town like at 8. And here I am, going to meet his friends for the first time, a lot of really important people, and I was looking like crap. All red and blotchy, and not in meeting-socializing condition. I said no. And he convinced me. So we went, me looking like crap, and him looking very nice (he had taken a quick shower when he come home, and dressed up a bit, since he knewhe wanted to go, but of course he hadn’t told me……). I was so angry. Sure, we had a nice time and everyone was very nice, I just had wanted to put on something slightly better, and maybe brush my hair…. Everyone was dressed up, including my hubby, and I looked like I just left the gym. I am currently having MAJOR breakouts, so normally I wouldn’t even leave the house without covering them up…. Well, well. He had a great time and we will be inviting some people home for a BBQ some time this summer. Very nice people.
Oh yeah, I forgot, I just signed up for summer classes online. I start one on Tuesday from the community college. I am taking Writeriffic first, Creativity Training for Writers. It’s just something to do, something to keep me busy.
05.15.08
“Being an athlete means getting up even when you can’t”
and especially when you don’t want to….
Superchick- Get up, from Ice Princess.
I’m not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don’t try
I’m not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
And I will spread these wings of mine
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
And we’ll just jump and see
Even if it’s the 20th time
We’ll just jump and see if we can fly
I’m not afraid to fall
And here I told you so
Don’t want to rock the boat
But I just had to know
Just a greener side
Or can I touch the sky
But either way I will try
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
And we’ll just jump and see
Even if it’s the 30th time
We’ll just jump and see if we can fly
I’m not afraid to fall
I’ve fallen many times
They laughed when I fell down
But I have dared to climb
I’m not afraid to fall
I know I’ll fall again
But I can win this in the end
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
And we’ll just jump and see
Even if it’s the 40th time
We’ll just jump and see if we can fly
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let’s get up c’mon
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
05.14.08
Skating
I decided yesterday to go back into skating. I can’t do it right away of course, but when my body has healed properly and I can start skating again. I will have lost a lot of stuff, and I doubt I can even pull off a decent single Axel. Mostly it will be because of fear of falling and hurting myself over again, I think. And then I haven’t really been skating since February.
I will not, however, go into standard track again, that would be mental suicide. No, I am going to go into the Adult Circuit. And start over. From the very beginning. I need to build up my trust and skills again, and I think starting over would be a good non-pressure way of doing it. If I was going to jump back into standard track, I would have to go to USFSA and get my tests translated and all kinds of complicated things, so I’d rather start over. Which means, that I will really start from the very beginning with the Adult Pre-Bronze tests. This is the test my husband tried taking in the fall, a test I should be able to do with my eyes closed. My goal is to have taken up to Silver by Christmas and maybe go into a small Adult competition in December. I’m not going to get a coach, it’s just expensive and unnecessary since I’ve taught the things myself. I’ll be using Youtube and USFSA’s website to learn the moves and find out what they mean in English. I already know what music I’ll be using for my Silver program http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyCRJmerW1Q
I think this is a good opportunity to slowly get back into skating. I will also be helping Sarah and Catie trying to pass their Pre-Preliminary tests. They want to compete collegiate, and I promised to help. It’s going to be tough for them, very tough, but I believe in them. The Pre-Pre is a hard test to take, and they only started skating less than a year ago.
I will probably do four tests at once when I test, if we have the money. both the Pre-Bronzes and the Bronzes. Hopefully I’ll do okey. Maybe we will go skate next week, we’ll have to see.
05.12.08
My day
Today I watched a 65 year old man kick my 34-year-old-former-Marine-husband’s ass. Seriously. It was fun. No, seriously, we were at the gym (first time in like 2 months, it went so-so) and one of the guys he does Arnis and Aikido was there. Of course they had to show off some moves. This guy is a Army-Special Forces-Vietnam Veteran. And very good in Aikido. It was very amusing to watch my husband on his knees in the arms of this old guy.
After the gym, we went and eat pizza (I know, totally ruined the point of the workout….) at Bolis. They have the absolute best pizza in town, it’s sooooo good. I haven’t been eating properly for the last weeks since all the medication makes me nauseous on and off all day. So I really wanted something good that I didn’t have to make, and we ended up at Bolis.
Later, I baked mum’s famous “Carmel-cookies” (sorry haven’t got a better explanation about them. They’re called Kolakakor in Swedish). They are very hard to make and neither my grandmother or my brother (or his wife is probably who makes them….) can get them as perfect as my mother makes them. Last time I made them, I screwed up completely and used the wrong kind of cookie sheets. This time, perfection. God they are good. Catie was here as well, which was nice. I haven’t seen her for a while, so it was good to catch up. I’m going to introduce her to Cathy when she comes here. Catie went to design school for clothes design, and she’s apparently very good, though I haven’t seen anything of hers. She’s the sweetest thing. Her fiance is a Marine, so she really gets things that no one else does, which is a relief sometimes.
Right now, my husband is away getting beat up again, he’s away at Aikido. I am watching Dancing With the Stars, the Semifinals, and eating Cherry Sherbet (no more mango for me….). I am rooting for Kristi, but it would be nice if Marissa won, she’s improved the most. I love her energy and the is so much fun!
What am I doing tomorrow? Um, I don’t know. I might go back to the gym, unless it hurts too much. It did hurt coming out of the gym earlier, and I should probably stay away at least until after my appointment Thursday. I should do some writing, I really should. I have some stories on the way, so we’ll see which one I’ll continue on. Only two have a real plot, and one is a children’s book and the other is a normal women’s novel. I also have some skating stories going, but they would never get published, market’s too little. Any ideas anyone?
05.10.08
Another needle….
I had quite a scare Thursday, let me tell you about it. I had spent the day baking dinner rolls, which was rather frustrating, since they didn’t want to rise properly. Anyway, they turned out great and my husband loved them. Later that night, I felt like some ice cream. A couple of days earlier we had bought sherbet, me Cherry and he a mixed box of Mango and Pina Colada. I didn’t feel like cherry, so I had a mango one. After eating it, I felt my lip going tingly and it felt a bit funny, like when I eat apple or pears. I am allergic to both of them, and I usually go very itchy inside my mouth and throat, and my lip feels funny. It’s usually cured with chewing some ice. But since I didn’t feel anything but the tingle, I didn’t really care.
I did however, comment to my husband that I was feeling tingly, and that I was probably allergic to mango. He made fun of me, and claimed that it was probably just in my head. I called him meanie and tickled him senseless, it was all in good fun. Later that night I took all my meds and subsequently fell dead asleep (my muscle relaxers are slightly sedative).
I woke up at 1 in the morning, my whole body itching badly, and my mouth and throat too. I tried suppressing it, since my husband is a very light sleeper and he hates being woken up. It didn’t work, and I had a hard time breathing. I sat up and started itching, I could feel bumps all over my legs, and it felt like my head was on fire. I got up, went downstairs and poured some of the cold water from the refrigerator into a bowl and wet a towel, I also filled and drank a tall glass of water. I tried dabbing parts of my body with the wet towel, trying to make it stop. I was crying by now, slightly frantic. It didn’t stop, and it was getting harder to breathe. I went upstairs and found my husband awake. I told him I had to go to the hospital. We got dressed in a hurry, me looking like crap and him managing to look stylish at 1.30 am…. I packed down all the meds I was taking, very surprised that I managed to be that levelheaded, still crying of course.
We live about five minutes from the hospital, which felt very good. Coming into the hospital, my husband did everything for me, talked and arranged everything, while I was crying. They were very compliant, I realize now later, but apparently my face had swelled up and gone bright red, and besides, when my husband puts on his commanding Marine voice, he usually gets whatever he wants. I was put into a wheelchair (See! I didn’t even have to walk!) and wheeled away into the depths of the hospital, without husband. He was stuck filling out some papers. I must have been pretty bad, cause they helped me right away, and some nice nurse came and talked to me. With her, a nice doctor who started asking a million questions, and me rambling on about god knows what (I was still on the muscle relaxers, remember. They make me high…..). The nurse started an IV and I got medicine fed directly into my system. That knocked me out even further, but I got better.
We didn’t get home until like 4:30. It turns out, I had a very bad allergic reaction to the mango sherbet. Very bad. We were lucky that I woke up and that I didn’t go into anaphylactic shock (google the term. I did, and it scared the shit out of me). The event terrified me. Really. I have had allergic reactions before, but never this bad. Not even close. It does scare me, especially since I am taking the sedative muscle relaxers, so that I can sleep easier. What if I wouldn’t have woken up? What if I had been on the old muscle relaxers, which really knocked me out? Scary thought.
Next time I go to the doctor, this Friday, we are going to go about to get me an emergency epinephrine kit (See EpiPen or Twinject at Wiki). Just in case. This really caught me off guard, and if it ever happens again, I want to be ready for it.
So there you have it. More needles. There have been way too many of them the last week. I’m fine now, but as Bonnie the nurse told me sternly, I shall keep away from the mango.
05.08.08
The businesswoman in me
I am starting a business! No, I’m not kidding. Really… I am! Not right away of course, I am in the research stage right now, but in like 3 years when I’ve finished college. Not here, this town is too small and there’s no real market for it here, but when we move in to the city, I’m going to do it. We were joking around yesterday and my husband told me that “You could make real money of this”, and I thought why not? I mean, I don’t want to be one of those typical American housewives anyway, so why not have a small business? My husband owed a company a couple of years ago, so he knows all about that kind of stuff.
So what am I doing to do? Like I’d tell. It’s so hard to come up with an original thought these days in this country, and someone else may pick it up and do it before me. I’ll have to copyright and patent first. I mean, I’ll tell some people on Skype *caughMumandCathycaugh*, mainly because I’m going to need a little bit of help from them. I could potentially also sell my sister’s awesome jewelry there, if she’s still making it then. As said before, my sister makes really cool steampunk (whatever that is) jewelry and sells it online. I’ll do some shameless plugging and give you the link; http://www.learningtofly.etsy.com (do check out her butterfly necklace, it’s very innovative and completely gorgeous, and the lapelbugs are adorable).
I just drowned down a diet coke for breakfast, to give me some caffeine for energy. This new pain medication works, but it leaves me feeling like a corps in the morning (more dead than usual). As I take it with the new muscle relaxers, I’m dead an hour after taking them at night, dead and very high. I’m loud, giggly and slurry and bother the hell out of my poor husband. Unfortunately, the meds make so I don’t really care how I sleep, so I end up in these really awkward positions, and wake up stiff and in more pain than I had the night before when I took the meds in the first place. I just can’t win. Anyway, I have a follow up on the 15th at 8.30. Hopefully we’ll know what’s wrong with me then. I just feel really guilty about having a coke at 10 in the morning…