11.30.08
Shopping etc.
Last week we did some scouting around for good prices for stuff, and found that D’s gifts were cheapest (not by much… and by cheap I really don’t mean cheap….) at Target. While we were in there, we also checked out some clothes, and I was THRILLED to see so much “right” green stuff. There was so much nice stuff, so I was really looking forward to going shopping, which I never do, as I hate shopping. Anyways, fast forward to today. We went to Target, and I picked up some candles and proceeded to the clothes section. I haven’t shopped at Target for quite some time, so I was kinda excited. An hour later I suddenly remembered why I don’t shop there anymore. Nothing fits. I am not kidding. I was trying on XS (!!!!!) and it was too big. Not all over, but in the wrong places. The fit was overall TERRIBLE. I tried on 15 things, and left with one pair of jeans, utterly miserable.
I’m going to go to Kohls later in the week, since I really need clothes. We have an event Saturday, and I need to look great, it’s really important. There will be….. people there.
I wrapped all of D’s gifts, which weren’t that many, but expensive. She is getting the Nintendo DS. Her birthday is next Thursday, the 11th, and we’ll go and get her the 12th. I’ll get my husband’s present this week, it’ll be something he needs, plus something in the sports-toys category. He loves new exercise equipment. He says he’s already gotten me something, and I’m hoping it’s an external hard-drive (because I really need one), but I’m suspecting it’s a necklace. I’ve already told him no bracelets, as I always break them, and he’s the traditional jewelry kind of guy, and I’ve already got more than enough rings, and a great pretty watch, so necklace is really the thing left on the list. I used to have some fab necklaces, but they all got messed up by the water and air here.
Tomorrow we are going to send off all the presents that are going overseas, I also start on my final project for my stupid class. It has to be handed in Monday the 8th, and this Friday-Saturday are not going to be great workdays, so I’m going to start as soon as I can.
11.26.08
My curse
Are they not beautiful, my little darlings? Are they not positively divine? Such radiant faces, such joy. I am very proud, yet also saddened for those we’ve lost over the years. While I was a part of it, it did not bother me, yet now I weep with every loss, and feel guilt. I miss them very much, I really do. I wish I could be apart of it all again, but that’s not possible, as I’d go mad. They’ve grown into themselves, I can see it very clearly, found their own identities. Yet I can still pick out those that will go unnoticed and be lost soon. I can only hope that they will find the strength to carry on, despite hardship. May they be blissfully ignorant.
I shall soon see them again, and shall embrace every single one of them, as they all hold a small, yet significant part of my heart. In contrast to many others who have gone before me, I shall never forget about them. I care too much, and that is my curse.
11.23.08
Christmas thoughts
December is going to be a tight month, in regards to money. Besides Christmas, we have THREE birthdays, D’s on the 11th, dad’s on the 19th and mom’s on the 25th. I just calculated the shipping with sending gifts overseas, and it’ll end up at maybe $120-$130. And since my hubby will get all guilty about D being a “poor divorcee-child,” we will end up spending WAY too much money on her, getting her gifts she will not touch when January comes around….. At least I managed to talk him down from getting her that stupid Wii game, now she will “only” get a Nintendo DS (completely unnecessary, in my opinion, since she already has a Playstation Portable… which in my mind, is the same thing).
We also have to save up for my school and books, so we decided not to have a tree this year. Sigh. I did want a tree, but hey, what college kids have trees? We’ll just wait with that one until we get a house. I might just go get some twigs of spruce and put them in a vase, just to get the whole Christmas-tree smell.
I was just looking at D’s Christmas list and if you didn’t know she was a girl, judging by the stuff on that list, you’d think a boy wrote it. We’ve got Star Wars Voice Changing Helmet, a Laser Tag system, “Mater Alien Maker”, a mini skateboard ramp, “Baukugan Battle Arena”….. and on it goes. She really is a peculiar child.
We will spend Thanksgiving just the two of us, since THE MOTHER wanted D home. We’re fine with it, better to pick your fights. Besides, we don’t really care about Thanksgiving, since neither hubby or I are “really” American. I mean, he is on paper, but his heart is British.
I hate my class, the teacher is an idiot.
11.18.08
Let it…. snow?!
The weather here is SO weird. Saturday we had like 80 degrees F (26 C), and suddenly today it’s 30-40 and oh, yes, SNOWING. It didn’t hit the ground or anything, and was mixed with rain, but it was definitely snowing when we stepped out of the gym and walked to the car just now. Sure, by the time we had reached the grocery store less than a mile away it had stopped, but there was SNOW!!!!! I am in shock. Sure, I’ve heard stories of snow here, but I didn’t believe them, on account of people wearing shorts and flip-flops last year December.
Maybe we’ll actually have a cold December this year. I know a white Christmas is too much to hope for, but at least I’ll be able to wear a hat and gloves, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get the fireplace going.
11.17.08
School
Just realized this morning that I won’t be able to take two classes in the spring. With my non-resident status, they’re $850 each. We don’t have that kind of money! Sigh… And we can’t take from our house fund either, since that money’s in a CD and can’t be touched without severe penalties. So I have to wait for the fall…. We’ll save up so that I hopefully can take another class the first part of summer. Then to the fall, I’ll finally be able to enroll full time, and the VA will pay for it.
I hate this stupid void I’m in.
Sectionals…
I was very…um…. amused… by the results of this year’s Sectionals. Amused by the fact that had I been there, and still skating, the likelihood of me WINNING Senior A Ladies, would have been very large. Quite laughable, but still….
I was a little disappointed about the standards of the skating there though, judging by the protocols on the website. Especially on one of the girls, who is capable of SO much more if only she would try harder and care more.
*Smirk* That is one of the things by husband thinks I should bring back from my trip to Sweden. My trophies and medals…. Yeah right. Like I would waste that kind of space for THAT? Those are the things I’ll ship over LAST. They’re just silly pieces of marble, metal and glass, I don’t need them to remember my accomplishments. Sure, I’d like to have them over in the end, but they’re not really my no.1 priority.
11.16.08
Penelope
I just finished watching the movie Penelope. It’s a great movie, and everyone should definitely watch it! So cute, and has Christina Ricci as the main character. What it also has is James McAvoy…. so dishy….. He is way too charming and good looking. I first saw him in the first Narnia movie, playing Mr Tumnus, the faun. Then he’s in Atonement (haven’t seen that one) and Becoming Jane (terrible movie, but he was great in it. Okay, maybe the movie wasn’t terrible, but I couldn’t get over the fact that Anne Hathaway was, and she was Jane, which kinda ruined the whole movie…), and some other movies.
Everyone should watch Penelope. It works for kids too, as it is PG. Cute fairytale with some realism thrown in.
11.15.08
Random
I feel oddly grumpy today, for absolutely no good reason. I had a great time dancing last night, and finally managed to get a good nights sleep (I’ve been having trouble the past two nights, strangely enough, I usually sleep like a log, and I’ve had weird dreams..). Maybe I’m just beat after last nights dancing. I don’t know. I’m just ill tempered, and doesn’t want to be bothered.
I picked my classes for next semester, one core subject and one elective. I was going to pick Introduction to Poetry as my elective, but it is partially held in Second Life, and my computer doesn’t have enough memory to support it. I’m going to check D’s computer, maybe hers will work, otherwise I’ll just end up taking a British Literature class instead. For my core subject I’ll be doing Psyc 101, and that’s going to be TOUGH (I checked the schedule).
D is currently upstairs with a toy catalog, trying to coax my husband into buying her more stuff for Christmas. She’s told him that I’m a hinder for her toys (not those words, but that’s what she meant). Before I showed up, she could trick him into getting her new toys all the time, and expensive toys. Now, I’m his common sense, his sense of reason, that forces him to think. I’ll be the toy person for Christmas, only she doesn’t realize it. I’ll be the one going to Toys R’ Us, since hubby doesn’t like crowds, so if she really wants to suck up to someone, that someone would be me.
We took some pictures last night when we were out, and I look pregnant in most of them. I ended up putting only one up for my family to see, and hopefully grandma won’t start thinking I’m preggi all of a sudden and start rumors. Stupid creases and drapes. The dress is SO pretty in person, but I don’t quite think it photographs well. Got it for only $30 at JC Penny (half price! YAY!), and it has the cutest neckline.
I wrote a new poem a couple of nights ago. I am slowly but surely compiling poems for another collection. It might take a couple of years (less if I can actually take the class in Second Life…), but it’s going to be done. My husband didn’t like it. He doesn’t like sad or angsty poems. But then again, he doesn’t understand poetry in general either nor does he really appreciate it. It doesn’t have a purpose, he doesn’t see the beauty of them. To him a poem is good if it rhymes, that’s about it. So it’s a little hard when I get all worked up about a new poem I’ve written, read it to him, and he looks like a question mark, and then says something like “Well, it’s okey, I guess. Does it have to be so sad/colorful/long/short/weird/awkward/happy (take your pick and insert….)? He just doesn’t get it, and it’s frustrating.
I currently have eight poems in my folder, and it currently has two working titles, Learning To Fly and Defying Gravity. Nothing definitive yet, but that’s what I’m working with at the moment, both of them very symbolically right. I have some ideas lying around in my notebooks that I might use for something. “Ode to Guylian,” (oh yes, I do mean the box of chocolates….) has potential to be something unusual and quirky. I’m not going about this seriously, it’s just something I’d like to do. Maybe some day I might actually get something published, not that poetry is very mainstream or anything, unless you’re Walt Whitman… Whatever…
I just put D up to calculating the price of everything she had circled in the Target Toys catalogue, to give her a bit of a reality check about money, and what she is really asking from us. And the magical number is….. $1544.84…. Oh yeah… She is so spoiled….. She’s not even getting a fraction of that stuff.
11.10.08
Monday
Mondays are my favorite day of the week. The day when the most things get done, a day of no pressure, a day that is usually spent in comfy pants and t-shirt.
It’s currently 59 F (or 15 C) outside, pretty nice, but in my opinion way too hot for November, fairly sunny with a slight breeze. I am drinking chrystal light, eating Captain’s Wafers crackers and am listening to Yanni. I’ve finished my assigned reading for the week, The Return of Martin Guerre by Natalie Zemon Davis, a sticky kind of history book, the kind I am hoping to write myself one day. I’m having a good day.
With three contests done, I am leading the USFSA’s online Fantasy Challenge game over my husband with almost 200 points. I’m in 61st place overall, whilst he is in 338th, out of 854 players. We’ll see how this week goes.
I have finally found a cheese here that tastes a lot like the cheeses I like in Sweden. It’s taken me a year and a half, but it’s payed off. I can currently enjoy my bagels and toast with Monterrey cheese. I did try a Danish cheese that they have at Kroger for a while, but it was way to soft, couldn’t be sliced properly, and most definitely not grated.
I haven’t spoken to my mother for a while, so I hope to catch her tonight on Skype. She is currently probably at practice with my sister, and I suspect she won’t go out until Becky’s asleep, so I probably have a window somewhere between 10-12 pm Swedish time. However, I know she is usually rather tired Mondays, so she might not log on at all. In that case, I’ll just try to talk to her tomorrow instead.
I’m trying to take Galina’s advise on Baroque music, and Yanni seems to have some of it, only much to fast. I was rather fond of the song I am listening too, until it became hyper-speed. I like the tempo changes and it was almost “cut-able”, but then came the speed.
11.09.08
Selfish or not?
I am not a very selfish person, and I have a very hard time saying no to someone or something (that’s a family trait, I’m afraid…). A situation’s come up that I’m having a bit of a trouble with. I KNOW what I should do for ME. But it’s rather selfish, or maybe just self-preservative. I’ll explain;
I’m going back to Sweden this summer, maybe 2-3 weeks, and I am really looking forward to it. When we decided that I was going to go, my husband immediately said, “Great, then you can skate and coach!” My mother had the same sentiment. Yeah, great! Or…..? I am really hesitant about it. I mean, of course I’d like to skate and coach, I love doing those things, it’s just…. arhg, this is frustrating I don’t know quite how to put it….. I am finally over skating. It has taken me nine months since the day I stepped off the ice and walked out of that rink, to make me feel good about myself not skating. I don’t miss it anymore. Yes, I miss parts of it, like the kids and…* oh, I am NOT going back into a rant…* But I am over it. It’s been hard and I’ve been very miserable, but I am totally okay now.
The thing is, I know I’d love coaching in Sweden. And yes, the kids would benefit greatly, and of course we could use the money. And I know that if I was asked, I’d say “of course, I’d love to” and I would go and do a good job. I’d probably spend every waking hour on that ice if they asked, since I can’t say no. My worry is that I’ll get into it badly again. And I’ll come back home, and start grieving again, and spend another nine months going through a rough time, which I totally don’t have time for that, since I’ll be full time at Uni. I don’t KNOW this is going to happen, but it might happen, and that’s what I am afraid of.
I also know that the kids would love to have me there, and would bust their asses to show me what they’ve learned during the year and a half since we last saw each other. And I’d be able to relieve the two other coaches, plus possibly doing some real choreography (which I’d be thrilled to do). I’m a very good coach, and a fairly good choreographer too. It’s not bragging, it’s true. I’d do a lot of good, I know that for a fact. But I am still hesitant.
I just… I don’t know. It’s hard. I haven’t quite decided what to do yet. I mean I’d like to do other things too while I am there, since I don’t know when I’ll be able to go the next. It’s a bit frustrating. I don’t have to make my mind up yet, we’ll probably buy the ticket in March. My husband think I should coach, and is slightly guilt-tripping me into it. I’d love to, I really would, but I’m not quite sure I want to deal with the crap that comes with it, and I haven’t even started talking about all the politics that comes with figure skating.
We’ll see. Sigh.
