05.26.09
Tired
I have been terribly tired here lately. It’s just that a lot of things are happening right now. My father dying, going back to Sweden, summer school, trying to move… and other stuff. It’s just a lot. There are so many things I’d like to do, that I’m not going to be able to do. I’m SWAMPED with schoolwork. You try stuffing in 17 weeks of material into only 5 weeks. I shouldn’t have taken 2 classes while in Sweden. But I did, and now I’m stuck here up in the room in the attic all the time, doing school work, trying to avoid any other stressors (like very annoying smoking whales) and trying to work through my grief at the same time. It hard, very hard.
I don’t regret coming here, but I wish I either had longer, or less school work. Less mess would be nice too. My brain is just screaming “Go home!” and I miss my husband terribly. I’m not miserable, just…. tired. Great, tears…. Sigh.
Tomorrow, I’m going to spoil myself. I am going to go up town, have a nice lunch somewhere, maybe do a bit of shopping, write an essay (yeah, I’ve got to do that… due date Thursday), maybe go see an old teacher of mine, buy tickets to go see my sister… lots of stuff. Then I’ll be going to practice with Becky again.
I’m off to bed. I’d like to be able to sleep in tomorrow, but I know I won’t. Annoying sun shining on my face at 5 am. But I do know I am a better CSM than Lucy and a hell of a better role model for Becky. I just scored 119 on my first major test in one of my classes. That’s 19 extra credit points (test was technically out of 100). Maybe I won’t do too bad after all.
Oh, mamma, the ointment for my legs you recommended is kick-ass! Thank you so much, they are finally healing properly.
Idiotic
If your grandmother died because of smoking and your mother smokes with her health rapidly deteriorating, would you smoke? No, I didn’t think so.
Also, anyone who smoke with their 19 month step-son sitting right next to them should be charged with attempted murder and thrown in jail. Smoking kills, as does second hand smoking. Not to mention it causes an unprecedented amount of other health issues.
You are such a great role-model Lucy. Way to go. Monkey see- monkey do, remember?
05.23.09
Sigh…
Yesterday Becky and I went to the mall and bought her a bikini and a pair of jeans. We also ran into a old good friend of mine who I have not seen for a year and a half, and her mother (aptly named “The Chihuahua” by my husband). It was very nice to see the girl, but the mother was smirking and looking me up and down, without trying to hide it. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, so I am terribly sorry I didn’t look more glamorous (oh hear the sarcasm…).
I am getting very sick and tired of people looking me up and down, expecting me to have gained 50 pounds. I didn’t! I know I went to the US for a year and a half, and I know I live in the South, but NO I have not gained a lot of weight. I know they were expecting it, and I am not sorry to have to disappoint. I KNOW Jessica gained like 20 pounds when she was in the US, and she is so known for being an extremely good and healthy girl (more sarcasm…. most people don’t know about her partying…). But I didn’t! No, I haven’t starved myself, nor did I over-exercise, nor was I forced to do anything by my crazy (sarcasm… duh…) husband. I ate well but healthy and indulged once in a while. Nothing dramatic. I know what people were expecting, but sc**w you all then. I am the same weight as when I left, 120 pounds (54 kilos). Have I lost some muscle mass? Yes, of course. You try go from exercising 6 times a week to like 1 and not lose that. But have a gained a lot of weight (or barely any for that matter….)? No. Still not fat people. Sorry to disappoint.
05.15.09
Update- Moving
The reason to why we are looking to move is because hubby’s had a bad feeling for a while, like something was going to happen. Call it sixth sense, call it experience as an MP and a Marine…. call it whatever you want. Last night there was a break-in 4 doors down. They went in and stole everything they could get their hands on, computer, jewelry, TV, the kids’ games, everything.
It’s kinda scary. Hubby said it was going to happen (told me Monday about his fears), and last night, it did. Now the place we were going to move to has been taken back off the listings. The lady decided she didn’t want to move, and we’re stuck here for god knows how long. In a semi-bad neighborhood that they just realized was easy to break in to. Not good.
My husband just had me call ADT about installing a security system (he is on his way to go pick up D). They were nice and understanding. He will look further into it as I leave for Sweden Monday.
Sigh…. what a week.
05.14.09
May 15th
This has, hands down, been one of the toughest weeks of my life. Him passing… I don’t know. I’m kinda surprised to what level I care, I didn’t know it would affect me like this, I would never have guessed. I feel emotionally and physically drained. I tear up easily. I am always super-tired, yet I try to stay really busy all the time, to not have to deal. Might be a bit silly… but whatever. I do have a hard time sleeping though. Too many thoughts and emotions…
Hubby’s been really good though, surprised even me. I am both looking forward to and dreading to go to Sweden. The trip has changed purpose and meaning now. It’s about goodbye’s instead of hello’s. I have to try to enjoy it though. We did not spend all that money for me to mope for three weeks, I can do that just as well here. Especially since it is my very last trip back there for quite some time. Trans-continental trips are expensive and time consuming, and we are trying to save for a house and finish school. You can’t do that while going to Europe every five minutes. So maybe the last visit for… 3 years? We’ll see…
05.12.09
Moving
We have decided to move to another neighborhood. Our present one is getting… busy. We already live close to a bad neighborhood, and they are starting to filter into ours. The home owners association is selling pool passes, which is not good. These past weeks, the police have been around a lot. It’s time to go. I mean, we’ve been here in this place for almost two years now.
So earlier today, we went to check two places out. One of them was awful, and the neighborhood was not that great either. However, the first one we checked out was amazing. It’s a bit outside town, I’d never been even close before, and the neighborhood was really posh. The houses are kinda Stepford-types, but it’s so nice. It is a little smaller than the one we have now, but it is so cozy, that it doesn’t matter. It’s a one story, two bedrooms, two FULL baths (no more sharing with D and her taking my stuff, thank you SO much!) and a open floor-plan with the living room/kitchen. The kitchen unfortunately has slightly less cabinets than our present one, which I am not totally thrilled with, but it is in a slightly old-fashion, country style, which I am very fond of.
It also has a back yard, for D and the dog. D loves being outside, but there’s no place for her to do that safely here. So a shielded back yard is dreamy. And she could play with the dog outside, which is impossible now. It is so much more private, and hubby likes it because it reminds him of the base. It’s clean, safe and cozy.
Hopefully, we will be moving in July 1st. I can’t wait…
05.09.09
Rough day and fears
I deal with things by writing about it. It’s the way it’s always been. I’d skate too, to feel better, but I haven’t been on the ice since early fall. Today sucked. Conflicting emotions, confusion, sadness, anger…. so many emotions.
This brings me to one of my fears. Age. My husband is older than me with 13 years, which is fine. However, when the time comes to have children for us, he will pretty much be 40. Which is fairly old. My father was 41 when I was born and 42 when my sister was born.
The thing is, shit happens, and I would like my husband to know his grandchildren and see them grow up, and graduate at least high school and preferably college as well. My father will never even see grandchildren being born. Since the USMC already screwed my husband up, age isn’t going to improve his health.
I don’t want to compromise my own independence and education, but these are my fears. After today, we might reprioritise a little. Because shit happens too often.
05.07.09
Home again
He’s home now. I’m being cautiously optimistic. He’s a little terror again, that’s for sure. Hopefully it’ll last. He has a bunch of medicine he will have to take, though.
I won’t go and pick up D tomorrow, I’ll stay home and make sure he is alright. Which means that I’ll have to trust my husband to do all the grocery shopping on the base. Who bets on that he will ignore most of the shopping list I send with him, and miss half of the stuff he needs?
05.06.09
Puppy….
He’s in a bad state again. Wont’ eat, won’t drink, threw up this morning. Stayed calm all night, and is now lying on my lap, not moving very much at all.
This might be it for him. We’ve already spend $400 that we couldn’t afford to make him better. I don’t know… sigh. I hate this, I really do. Dammit!
